Week 2, a little late

This will be a short post, I'll update on Monday to keep on schedule.

I didn't post this past Monday because, well, I ran away. I really needed to go, leave, do something away from home. Something that didn't involve my well meaning but nosy neighbor that's a bit in love with me. Away from my two sisters by choice, who care but tend to smother and take advantage of my good nature. Away from my absent-minded, unintentionally callous soon to be ex husband and the disaster area that is his shop space. Away from the daily chores that I should be enjoying, but I end up doing the bare essentials because I'm frustrated with everything: barn, pastures, house, animals, business... everything.

So I ran in all directions trying to find peace. I found a bit, and I was happy. Then I had to come back home, and what happened next I didn't expect.

I hurt. Emotionally, like I could feel again. Not the muted 'oh I'm happy' or 'that's really sad' type of stuff, but open the flood gates, tears on the keyboard type stuff. I haven't felt like that since my heart was smashed into tiny pieces years ago. It was like I was sleeping and dreaming, and someone kissed me awake and brought me back to life. I think somehow the wall that I built around my heart cracked a little.

It's not a good feeling, but it's a start. It means I'm not totally broken, that someday maybe I'll love again. That I can let down my guard and I'll be okay. It also means that I'll hurt more when bad things happen, but I think I'm okay with that. There's a phrase from a song that says 'I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all'. I understood it, but never really gave it much credit. I mean, who wants to hurt? I get it now. I realize now how much I was missing without emotion.

Anyway, back to the blog. I'll pick up again on Monday, with weights and stuff. And things. To whoever reads this besides me, have a great weekend.